Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kylo Ren: I am your father.

Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.

Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

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The Chosen Phew

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

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Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.

“Go ahead caller”

Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?