I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.