Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

This week’s mood.

Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

The Sun

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.