I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
You Might Also Like
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer