Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*

Me: Sweetie, you need to share

Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?