Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

March 16

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Dyslexics are teople poo!

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!