Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

My birth announcement for our third baby

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.

High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.