i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
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Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.