i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
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ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..