I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
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“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy