I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
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Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.