Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

if i dont respond to your reply to my tweet it is for one of two reasons:
1. the conversation is over, there is nothing left to say
2. you stumped me. i cant think of a witty response. you won.
but i will NEVER be disclosing which is which

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog