I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
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*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Not😆🤣
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.