Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”