I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
You Might Also Like
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
i just found this in my phone
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Breaking news:
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…