I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
Its a hippotatomus
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
