Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

If only.

Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?

Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Me: *googles my symptoms*

WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

I’m gonna tell my kids these were the Avengers

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ