I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
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What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Best spot.. 😅
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly