I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.

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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.


COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.


[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday


Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.

Introverts: Praise Jesus!


Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.


Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.