For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Mountain Goat : )
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy’s fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney’s fault.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.