@calamitydaisy

I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.

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@3sunzzz

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.

@cray_at_home_ma

And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.

@k_umezinwa

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

@AKcrazy18

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

@junejuly12

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

@BookishBunny

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

@1Happytwit

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.