I’m losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere.

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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.


My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.


And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.


Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.


Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.


Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies


i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work


When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.


Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.