Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.