Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.