Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Mad Max Arctic Road
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
I’m sorry…what?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”