Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.

My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

birds and squirrels envy us

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.