Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother

Voting for coroner

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.