I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I wish I could veto my bills.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!