Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage

aura

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?