I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
You Might Also Like
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Whoa 😂
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
going to the ER y’all need anything
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.