I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
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Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons