I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Sharon I have some bad news
See..?
.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.