Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

don’t we all

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Don’t make me out nice you.

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping