Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

My whole life was a lie.

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.

I was being a giraffe.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy

Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back

Marty: it’s just bread

Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother

Marty: what?

Doc Brown: what, what?

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

Phone

Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.

Person: But if you could just—

Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me

I have so much to offer. It’s all bad, but still

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

[Taken Nemo]

*Clam phone rings*

Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.

Cat.