Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
You Might Also Like
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him