Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.

Me: When the edibles kick in

Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif

Me: Exactly

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe