I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
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Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
what it’s like dating me:
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!