I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.