I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
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Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy