Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

My wife found a spider in the shower.

Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.