Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

👻

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”