I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
😂🐈⬛
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons