Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.

We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.

Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.