I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
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“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold