Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

me the second it drops below 70 degrees

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud