Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

no one likes gloating

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute