Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

all that yoga finally paid off

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮