Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?

584.

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

me: babe watch me flip this omelette!

her: cool

me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!

her: sick!!!

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”