Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

Everyone has something they believe in.

I believe in drinking before noon.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?