Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR