“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.