“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You Might Also Like
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”