Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That’s when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍