Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

i’m sure it’s fine

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1547210358837870594/pu/vid/426x240/iZzop_VFT8iwvSq6.mp4?tag=12

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.