@philosophia7

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

@thatUPSdude

I don’t believe in mythical creatures like dragons, unicorns, Lock Ness Monster, drama free women.

Just joking, I believe in Nessie.

@sixfootcandy

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

@AmandaRNH

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

@amydillon

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

@jwoodham

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.