@philosophia7

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

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@LackOfShame

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

@trumpetcake

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@Man_wonders

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

@VerifiedDrunk

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

@BoogTweets

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

@clindsaysway

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

@UrFavAsianGuy

Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.

@Hadzilla

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table