[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.
Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Only a mother’s love …
Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table