“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You Might Also Like
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.