Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”

Shit.

This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”