Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

{emceeing banquet}

Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”