Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress