I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I beg your pardon?
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Seems legit.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Does it…does it take 3 days
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
