Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

God, creating dogs: make them smart

Angel: how smart

God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on

I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.

Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.

Her: Oh no.

Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.

Her: You already do that.

I think we should hear other voices.

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles