Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Throwing change in a well]

Me: I wish you well.

Well: I already am a well.

More like Kate Missington.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

congratulations to them

This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

ㅤ

My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed