I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.