Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

That’s easy for you to say

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

sleeping beauty

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that