I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p