Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.