I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.