I’m more of a homeless romantic.
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I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar