Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature

My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

I love the honesty

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.

As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

he looks great for his age

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.