Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

[Deleting all work emails]

THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself