im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

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ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do


150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.


My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please


{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.


COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*



Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.


MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster


Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.


“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.