@jonnysun

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

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@ArfMeasures

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

@TheTweetOfGod

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

@simoncholland

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

@Sparticus_af

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

@Darlainky

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

@RunOldMan

Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.

@QwertyJones3

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

@AuthorGaylord

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.