ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
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150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”