Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.