I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?