I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?