Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

we squint at the sun because it’s bright

we squint at people because they are not…

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans